i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
