Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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