I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
