we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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