My friends, they love my intelligence
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
