I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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