don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
