Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
