I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
