So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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