38 yer olds are good kisserssss
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
