I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
