Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
