if you like me you must not know who I am
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
