I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
