I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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