it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
