oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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