dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
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How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
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Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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