Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
