I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
