There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
