atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
