take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
