If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
