Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
