I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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