Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
