When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?