I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me