i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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