Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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