Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
