why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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