Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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