I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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