The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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