I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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