I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
