And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
