I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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