Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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