This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
