Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
