you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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