1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
