I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
