Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
