He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
