He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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