peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
