I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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