Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You've changed since you got that strap on
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
