dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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