my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
