Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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