I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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