just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.