Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode