All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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