If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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